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Thursday, 10 June 2010

The Final Whistle #fridayflash

This is a quick little story / sketch that I wrote in front of one of the very very many tenuously football related programmes currently clogging up the television schedules (A footballers wives edition of Come Dine With Me to be precise!) in honour of the FIFA World Cup, which kicks off today.


Come on come on come on come on, that's more like it, yes! NO!
You idiot, what the hell was that? Come on lad, get the ball, come on,
that's more like it, YES! What? Call that a foul, you blind fool?
Get your eyes tested mate! Oh no oh no oh no I can't bear to watch oh no no

Darling, I think we need to talk....

What, now? Can't you see I'm watching the game?
Now be a love a fetch me a beer....
Oh christ these Argies are going to be the death of me,
one nil, ten minutes down and already one nil,
Come on boys come on you can turn this around; that's better,
a bit of aggression lads, give them a taste of their own medicine.
Yes, yes, that's it, that's it, push it, push, COME ON!

I'm seeing someone else.

What? Don't be stupid.
It'll all be over by 9.30 and then you can watch your soaps.
OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! How did he miss that?
My nan could have scored there, you overpaid waste of space.
Come on now, come on, that's it, that's it, I've got a good feeling here,
this is it, this is it, yes, yes, yes, YES,


What a beauty, oh yes, get in!

His name's Edward. I met him at Pilates.

Yeah right, as if any straight man would be seen dead at pilates.
Did you see that goal? An absolute beauty, here , watch the replay,
d'you see that? ENG-ER-LAND!!!!!

Yes I saw. Great.
A load of millionaires running around like overgrown schoolboys.
Somehow I doubt those big busted models are with them for their admirable ball skills.
Now, do you want to see something?
Look at this picture, yes, that one on my facebook profile.
You didn't know I was on facebook?
You really don't know that much about me at all, do you.

Stop with the attention seeking, look it's almost half time,
we can have a chat at half time,
I'll even get you a cuppa.


We'll talk at half time, you say?
Well i'm sorry, but I'm not putting up with this anymore.
As far as we're concerned it's full time.
We're over.

What? Oh my god, my god look at this, can they, can they, oh my god,
yes, yes, yes they can! Two one to EN-GER-LAND!

Right that's it I'm off, I'm going to Edward’s.
Don't bother calling me, I'll be too busy having hot, sweaty sex to answer.

Ok, right, be seeing you then. Two one, my god, we really might do this.

She had been all well and good when it came to cooking, cleaning and bedroom services, but there were no doubt other women out there who'd be able to fill that void when takeaways, squalor and porn became too much. The world cup final though - this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity. He knew without a doubt that when that final whistle blew he would be experiencing either the greatest ecstasy or loss of his life.
His wedding really had been pale in comparison.
Up against the true love he felt for those eleven men, that white shirt and St George's proudly flying flag, Frank’s wife of ten years was never going to compete. Women can come and go but football – ah, football!

Football is forever.


  1. Hilarious Heather and I love the fact you did it in England colours.

    I like to think I'm in touch with my feminine side, but he does have a point about Pilates?

    Slight quibble, I don't think anyone would say '10 minutes down' - 'gone' maybe, but not 'down', unless it's just in the wrong place and you meant one-nil down.

    marc nash

  2. Very cute story - a cautionary tale as we head into the world cup! She'd better watch out for her new man, tho, the only straight men in pilates are trolling for babes ;-)

  3. That's so funny, and really well written. I am so glad my DH isn't keen on Football or I would probably not be laughing at it!

  4. This was quite the amusing read! Had me laughing. Football widows we call them here. Of course not the same sport, but still . . . :)

  5. I think that the experience of the football widow is universal, be it soccer, American football, Aussie rules or any other sport involving lots of men in shorts running around and swearing a lot!

  6. Absolutely brilliant - she certainly picked the ideal moment to tell him!

    Love it. :D

  7. At least he takes it in stride. Good story, and I love the style of it.

  8. The En-ger-lands made me smile.